i asked for it i guess. i wanted those deep and raw feelings back, and i got what i wished for. i just wanted to feel some emotion in my numb life, but here it is and forgot how RAW they really were. is this how it felt last year??? did these feelings effect everyone around me the way they do now back then??  am i even making any sense??? i got what i wished for, now i want to run away from it all. it sounds cowardly but its kinda the truth. i know it seems bad, but i want to run from everything and never EVER come back . im sick of everyone around me and im just not happy. am i supposed to be happy with all i ever wanted??? i wanted these feelings so i could feel SOMETHING in what i felt was a meaningless life. but now theyre back and it hurts so bad and i can see that i'm hurting everyone else around me and im very sorry for that if you're reading this right now. i cant even consentrate on anything right about now. my mind is so askew right now. things aren't working here and i have to leave. he'll be here for me even when i really cant emotionally be there for him. I can't believe he actually picked mebut i have every hope in my heart that things will get better..they just have to be worse before it lets up. This winter isnt gonna be easy. My patience is so low..god i hate this. i cant take much more and im at my breaking point. i gotta get outta here...i hate the fall.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

huh lets see....

this week feels like forever! i need to move to philly..........like now.. Theres gotta be a better way of seeing your face other than the weekends. i cant stand the fact that this extremity is the center of my day. you're the center of my day

mondays i sleep away

tuesdays i lay awake

wednesdays they are the worst

thursdays i reminice

fridays i see your face (and i cant breathe)

i hope you know that i dont just "think" about you. Once i start thinking, i get to daydreaming. and the daydreams are what i hope will happen.  i get thinking about the future and what it would be like with you there. i always want to text you and hear the song that i put only for you, knowing that i can actually relate to what the song says. i dont call and text as much as i would want to. i wouldnt want you to get sick of me. And when i lay down to go to sleep every night, i constantly wish it was with you. i love when you say my name. it makes me feel so loved. especially when you call me "your" elena. omg you have no idea how crazy i get when you do that. so i really do think im the pathetic one.

iloveyou<3

HolyShitHi

been a while huh??

summers been fun. verrry interesting. met a lot of people, lost some, and changed feelings for others. lets take it from the beginning.....

started work at the summer camp and it was so fun! russell, lara, and i all got tattoos! my parents still havent found out which is a relief cause i would not be living with them right now.. mostly the summer consisted of poker, swimming, work and my pimpin job on the side lol...yep thats right, i pimp! i can run down the list of guys for you if you like but i dont think theyd appreciate it haha. Went to virginia in july and hung out with my cousins.  met his friends..one in particular was amazingg! his name is Tager and if i EVER move to virginia, he would be the first i would see. totally sweet and lovable..it hurt leaving...like really hurt. i cried the day i got home. he is sooo worth going back to see; but idk if we'll be anything more than friends. went to the beach and south street multiple times and of course....i met that someone

well not actually meet persayy... ive known him my whole life, but the summer changed it all. i wouldnt guess in a million years that we had this attraction. he's always been around but i never really got to know him. but now... its beyond words. i love everything about it. absolute perfection! =]

<3